almost new year

With the New Year quickly approaching I have been thinking about the dreaded, or sometimes not so dreaded, resolutions. They always fall by the wayside around March anyway, but this year is going to be different. My resolutions aren't going to focus on things like money or any of the other silly things that I could resolve to do. This year I have a different focus. I have realized that the pace that I have been pushing myself at isn't healthy and things like school just aren't that important to me anymore. There have been problems on the homefront some minor, others have been on the major side that have to be fixed. Some have resolved on their own, others are going to take effort. I refuse to be a statistic. I plan to spend more time with family and friends in the new year because as I learned in 2008 you just never know what will happen. I resolve to like myself again. I resolve to find passion and enjoyment again instead of going through the motions day to day, and because money had to slip in somewhere I resolve to pay off at least one credit card.

thankful

These last few days have been a blur to say the least. My uncle, Matt's Dad, passed away suddenly on Sunday afternoon. Max and I had gotten up that morning and went to Charleston Christmas shopping we were close to being finished for the day and had stopped for something to eat at Fazoli's when Max's phone rang. It was my Mom calling his phone which was unusual but he handed it to me. She delivered the bad news, I feel sure I made a fool out of myself but when am I ever going to see any of those people again. Anyway, I took Monday off from work and sat with my Grandma while the rest of the family went to make funeral arrangements. Tuesday was the wake and yesterday was the funeral. I think that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my short life. I just can't wrap my brain around what has happened. Matt is holding up amazingly well. It felt so good to hear him laugh. I basically haven't been home in three days, the dishes are piled up, the laundry is piled higher than the dishes. We have been spending the majority of our free time between my parents house and Matt's. Today is going to be hard. How fair is it to have to bury your father the day before Thanksgiving? Or husband, or son for that matter...

I am thankful this year for the amazing family that I have. We are all very close and have been very supportive of each other. We have never been a family that tells each other how much we love them but we are always there no matter what. I'm thankful to have an amazing husband who has put up with a lot these last few days.

remember me?

With the state of the economy, plus the fact that I am now making two car payments I haven't been as apt to purchase books except for the ones that Marshall University's Reading/Literacy education program tells me that I have to have for classes. Therefore, I have rediscovered the public library as a means of getting books for my reading pleasure. On my most recent trip to the library I got a book by Sophie Kinsella called Remember Me? I liked the title and after glancing through the synopsis I decided I was in the mood for a light hearted book. So, the book is basically about a girl who is in a car wreck and wakes up after a mini coma of 5 days to find that she doesn't remember the last three years of her life. To make a long story short, she is married to a millionaire property developer, has become the director at the company she was working for, is a total bitch and has alienated all her friends, oh and she's had some plastic surgery thrown in for good measure. She wakes up and doesn't remember any of it, not her husband, or her new job, etc. So she has to rebuild her life. Anyway, the book was good but it got me thinking about my own self. I don't think I have turned into a bitch, and I'm definitely not the boss, but the last couple of months I have been asking myself "What the hell happened to you?" It's like I've been the one in the coma. I know that we all grow and change but my change has been in a negative aspect. My confidence is about as low as it has ever gone. I know that I have been through some tough things in my life but nothing has knocked me for a loop the way my Dad getting sick has. It is like it triggered all the anxiety and fear that I thought I finally had at bay. I'm making progress but still I have days that I don't want to go out of the house. This is not me. The person I was a few years ago would have said, "screw this" and found a way to overcome. What is wrong with me now? Maybe I need to get knocked over the head with a shovel so I can find my former self. She's clawing to get out but something stronger won't let her out.

So much for a light hearted book...

cold

It is so cold here right now. I think it is only around 50 degrees. Classes suck, I can't wait until my master's is over with. Then again I am teaching so to keep my certificate current I need to keep taking classes. So I guess homework is just a permanent fixture. Student loans still haven't come through to Marshall, I've got to get that fixed. October is going to be a busy month. Lots of fun stuff coming up though, Chili Night being the first. Finally picked myself up by my bootstraps and getting my life back in order. Heavily considering the purchase of a gun. Or at least learning how to shoot one. Might find a new hobby.

changes

Today is the first day that it has felt like September all month. This weekend we had temps here above 80 and yesterday was about as humid as a typical day in July or August would be. Today however is different. I can smell autumn in the air, the air is crisper, cleaner in a way. I have socks on my feet for the first time in months except for when I go walking. The air conditioner is off. I feel the change in the season and also in myself.

A good friend's mother passed away last week and the memorial service was this weekend. It was hard to deal with. I've grown up with this lady and often times she was like my second Mom. She shaped me in ways I hadn't realized until I stopped to think about them. I think she had a lot to do with my love of animals especially horses, and I'm sure she is the reason that I have always and still to this day want to own a horse. When Max and I were looking at that house in Ghent I knew we would have enough acerage to have a horse and she was the immediate person I thought to call if we bought the house. In her obituary it was written that she lived life on her terms and that got me to thinking that no one could write that about me if I died right now. Instead it would be written that I lived life very much inside of a box and always did the right thing and what was expected of me. That is not what I want my obituary to say. So today I let go of a lot of things. I let go of some more fear and worry. I realize that my job is simply that...a job, it pays my bills. My job should not and no longer will define who I am and my worth as a person.

Now I just hope that I will be blessed with more time to live and that I haven't wasted the years I have been given. No more regrets.

horoscopes

I always enjoy when my horoscope closely resembles true life and today's did just that.

"Don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling a little restless right now, and you'll probably be busy dealing with all sorts of things around the house today. You might even be starting to think about the possibility of moving right now. And it probably would be a good idea to start giving a little bit of thought to improving your domestic situation in any way you can."

I haven't been able to shut my mind off the last few days especially at night. I have a running list in my head of all the stuff I need to or would like to get done. I have also been really thinking about a house Max and I went to see a couple of weeks ago. It was our favorite out of all that we saw and it really felt like home when we walked in. I felt comfortable there. Hmmm....makes me ponder our situation even more.

First two weeks of school have been utterly exhausting. One very wise 5th grade teacher said to me the other day, "Jobe ain't got nothing on you". I was definitely blessed with a lot of patience, which is good considering the age level that I teach. Needless to say I am ready for the weekend, I need to rest.

last day of summer

I really can't believe that summer is over. I had big plans for the summer and for the most part they didn't happen. There were just a lot of things that I wanted to accomplish and didn't. I'm looking forward to school starting up again, I am not looking forward to how busy I am during the school year. I tried to get organized over the summer to help with next year and I did get some lesson plans done so that should help with the time issues. I have to drive to South Charleston next semester for grad school, and I am not looking forward to that at all. Max usually goes with me and we usually always eat somewhere with really yummy food so I guess that is a bonus.

I don't know why but I have always loved summer. I have always loved the heat, we didn't have as much heat this year and I missed it. I didn't go swimming as much this summer either. And I didn't get to the lake this summer. I know that summer is not officially over yet and there are still several more days of heat to come, but when school gets in to full swing it is hard to do things.

Well, I guess I will go enjoy my final day of complete freedom.

one day left

Tomorrow is my last official day of summer vacation. I'm excited to go back to work but at the same time I am dreading the start of school. I've been running around all day trying to get those last few errands finished before Wednesday. Max and I are beginning to pursue the purchase of a house more aggressively than before. We have 5 houses that we are going to go look at hopefully this weekend. One of them has 8 acres of land with it which means we can get a horse and maybe some sheep, and a 5:00 AM rooster. We'll see what happens.