thankful

These last few days have been a blur to say the least. My uncle, Matt's Dad, passed away suddenly on Sunday afternoon. Max and I had gotten up that morning and went to Charleston Christmas shopping we were close to being finished for the day and had stopped for something to eat at Fazoli's when Max's phone rang. It was my Mom calling his phone which was unusual but he handed it to me. She delivered the bad news, I feel sure I made a fool out of myself but when am I ever going to see any of those people again. Anyway, I took Monday off from work and sat with my Grandma while the rest of the family went to make funeral arrangements. Tuesday was the wake and yesterday was the funeral. I think that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my short life. I just can't wrap my brain around what has happened. Matt is holding up amazingly well. It felt so good to hear him laugh. I basically haven't been home in three days, the dishes are piled up, the laundry is piled higher than the dishes. We have been spending the majority of our free time between my parents house and Matt's. Today is going to be hard. How fair is it to have to bury your father the day before Thanksgiving? Or husband, or son for that matter...

I am thankful this year for the amazing family that I have. We are all very close and have been very supportive of each other. We have never been a family that tells each other how much we love them but we are always there no matter what. I'm thankful to have an amazing husband who has put up with a lot these last few days.

remember me?

With the state of the economy, plus the fact that I am now making two car payments I haven't been as apt to purchase books except for the ones that Marshall University's Reading/Literacy education program tells me that I have to have for classes. Therefore, I have rediscovered the public library as a means of getting books for my reading pleasure. On my most recent trip to the library I got a book by Sophie Kinsella called Remember Me? I liked the title and after glancing through the synopsis I decided I was in the mood for a light hearted book. So, the book is basically about a girl who is in a car wreck and wakes up after a mini coma of 5 days to find that she doesn't remember the last three years of her life. To make a long story short, she is married to a millionaire property developer, has become the director at the company she was working for, is a total bitch and has alienated all her friends, oh and she's had some plastic surgery thrown in for good measure. She wakes up and doesn't remember any of it, not her husband, or her new job, etc. So she has to rebuild her life. Anyway, the book was good but it got me thinking about my own self. I don't think I have turned into a bitch, and I'm definitely not the boss, but the last couple of months I have been asking myself "What the hell happened to you?" It's like I've been the one in the coma. I know that we all grow and change but my change has been in a negative aspect. My confidence is about as low as it has ever gone. I know that I have been through some tough things in my life but nothing has knocked me for a loop the way my Dad getting sick has. It is like it triggered all the anxiety and fear that I thought I finally had at bay. I'm making progress but still I have days that I don't want to go out of the house. This is not me. The person I was a few years ago would have said, "screw this" and found a way to overcome. What is wrong with me now? Maybe I need to get knocked over the head with a shovel so I can find my former self. She's clawing to get out but something stronger won't let her out.

So much for a light hearted book...