responsibility

The last few days I have had a chance to really think about life and the direction that mine is taking. It started on Easter Sunday when a relative told me that she was pregnant. I'm happy for her, if this is what she wants. I just wonder when it is going to be my turn. That sounds silly...I'm the one who is making decisions as to when I have children. I'm ready, Max is ready, but life keeps getting in the way. I have always been older than my true age, I've always felt this responsibility to do the right thing. I've always been told if I did the right thing and went to school and got a degree that I would have a better life. Better by whose standards though? Right now I am so stressed out with grad school and work that I truly don't care if I go back to work the rest of the school year. I have never felt that way. I'm tired of being responsible. For example I would love to go out west this summer but this stupid box that I have placed around myself won't let me. It is too out of my comfort zone. I'm so sick of school, maybe not school necessarily but definitely Marshall. I want to quit but keep telling myself to do the "right" thing. If I can get through school then I can have a child. If my stress level was down I would be happier. When is it going to end? When am I going to let it end I guess is a better question?

insert something witty here

Still going to the YMCA but not at 5:00 AM. After a stomach virus, sinus infection, Max working ridiculous hours, and midterms I kind of got off schedule. I'm still going three evenings a week for aerobics classes and trying to get back in the habit of 5:00 AM but it's gotten hard to do. I'm making progress, most nights my body feels like it has been hit by a truck. The body image issues are creeping back in and I am starting to watch every single bite that goes in my mouth. When that happens I have to take a step back and readjust my mind set or I know what will happen, especially since I found myself in the diet pill aisle not too long ago. When that happened I had to remind myself of those fateful words, "Irreversible damage to your heart". I guess we really don't know what we are doing to ourselves at 16 do we?

I'm re-reading the Twilight series. The first time I sped through them because I accidentally found out what happened in the end and wanted to see how it happened. I'm taking my time this go around.