The Ways of Dying

Found this quote a few days ago and wanted to share as it stirred something in me...

"Do not grieve. Misfortunes will happen to the wisest and best of men. Death will come, always out of season. It is the command of the Great Spirit, and all nations and people must obey. What is past and what cannot be prevented should not be grieved for....Misfortunes do not flourish particularly in our lives-they grow everywhere."

Big Elk
Omaha Chief

Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?

The crazy ass dreams have started again. *sigh* It has been a few months since I have been bothered by them. Some nights are better than others. Some dreams it takes me anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes after waking to realize that it was a dream, that whatever I dreamed about didn't happen, that my family is alright, and so forth. Others I realize as soon as I wake up that I was having a dream. Then there are some that are in some ways like a warning or that I am supposed to figure something out from them. Isn't that crazy? Maybe I am crazy. It kind of makes me feel crazy because there is only one other person who I know or have talked to that dreams the way I do and it is my Dad. Max rarely remembers his dreams but I tend to remember mine almost every night. Mom never remembers her dreams. What causes a person to have vivid dreams? What causes some people to be more prone to nightmares than others? When Max does remember his dreams they are never bad, mine are typically very disturbing.

thinking...

I've been considering changing grade levels next school year. I love teaching Pre-K and really do enjoy that age group of children there are some days that I feel like a baby-sitter. I love history and reading and would love to teach those more in depth than I get to currently. I think that I could if I got into the upper elementary grades, however that is when children are being required to take state standardized tests and so much teaching gets focused on trying to make AYP so that we aren't placed on probation. Maybe the grass isn't greener...

I guess I am going to have to make an appointment with a doctor soon. I was at the Y about a week ago and got finished on the rowing machine. I took a drink of water and Max walked over to talk to me. About then was when my hearing started to go. Then my vision started to get blurry with some black spots. To make a long story short I ended up blacking out for about a minute. A couple trainers came over and we determined it was an episode of hypoglycemia. Then on Sunday I did the same thing but before going to the Y. I purchased some glucose tablets at Kroger to keep in my purse hoping to deal with it before I get to the point of blacking out. Checked my blood sugar and it is running a little bit low even after eating.

jackson hole

Max and I are trying to decide on a vacation destination for this summer and want to do something different. Although different for us would honestly be going to the beach as we have never done that before. We have both been talking about going out west for a while like to Arizona or New Mexico but with it being a 30 hour drive and Max's fear of airplanes we will probably end up driving somewhere. I myself am partial to the idea of going to Jackson Hole, Wyoming and staying on a guest ranch or at a bed and breakfast. However if we are going to drive to Jackson Hole we may as well drive to Arizona. To drive to Jackson Hole would be a 28 hour drive. I just get so tired of saying "one day". One day time is going to be up and I will remember a 28 hour drive with Max to Wyoming versus saving our money because the economy is bad. This is not saying that I will make irresponsible choices because let's face it I am if nothing else always responsible. A lot of things have come up in recent years to make me realize how fast my life is passing away and how precious time really is. I never in a million years would have guessed that my Dad would have to have an organ transplant. I'm sure Matt thought that his Dad would be around for many more years to come. Life changes in an instant.

Anyway, this was supposed to be about vacations but it got twisted around. Any suggestions on where to go?

rambling on a snowy evening

It has felt nice to have three days off from work and selfishly I am hoping that the snow that is falling will continue and cause me to have four days off. It probably isn't likely since we have already used our allotted snow days for the school year. Every year we use all of our allotted snow days and every year it is headline news that we have yet again gone over our snow days. Why? Why is anyone shocked by this? We live in an area that is use to getting several inches of snow at once, sometimes several feet at once, and one that is rural with poor roads into said rural areas, so does it really need to be front page stuff? How about someone reports on all the gang related graffitti that has started popping up around town, I'm curious about that not about snow days.

Oh well, I am at least hoping for a delay that way I won't have to get up at 5-Oh-My-God-o'clock in the morning to go the the Y before I go teach the youth of America their ABC's. Yes, I am getting up before the moon has even left the sky to go to the local YMCA to whip my butt back in shape. Max, surprisingly, is coming along with me with minimal complaining. That probably isn't even fair to say as I don't think he has truly complained once, he actually seems kind of excited about it. It feels good to be worn out at the end of the day. I am sleeping better, and more alert during the work day. My favorite thing to do is the rowing machine, Max can't hang with me on it though. He had never rowed a boat until we got together, sad I know.

almost new year

With the New Year quickly approaching I have been thinking about the dreaded, or sometimes not so dreaded, resolutions. They always fall by the wayside around March anyway, but this year is going to be different. My resolutions aren't going to focus on things like money or any of the other silly things that I could resolve to do. This year I have a different focus. I have realized that the pace that I have been pushing myself at isn't healthy and things like school just aren't that important to me anymore. There have been problems on the homefront some minor, others have been on the major side that have to be fixed. Some have resolved on their own, others are going to take effort. I refuse to be a statistic. I plan to spend more time with family and friends in the new year because as I learned in 2008 you just never know what will happen. I resolve to like myself again. I resolve to find passion and enjoyment again instead of going through the motions day to day, and because money had to slip in somewhere I resolve to pay off at least one credit card.

thankful

These last few days have been a blur to say the least. My uncle, Matt's Dad, passed away suddenly on Sunday afternoon. Max and I had gotten up that morning and went to Charleston Christmas shopping we were close to being finished for the day and had stopped for something to eat at Fazoli's when Max's phone rang. It was my Mom calling his phone which was unusual but he handed it to me. She delivered the bad news, I feel sure I made a fool out of myself but when am I ever going to see any of those people again. Anyway, I took Monday off from work and sat with my Grandma while the rest of the family went to make funeral arrangements. Tuesday was the wake and yesterday was the funeral. I think that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my short life. I just can't wrap my brain around what has happened. Matt is holding up amazingly well. It felt so good to hear him laugh. I basically haven't been home in three days, the dishes are piled up, the laundry is piled higher than the dishes. We have been spending the majority of our free time between my parents house and Matt's. Today is going to be hard. How fair is it to have to bury your father the day before Thanksgiving? Or husband, or son for that matter...

I am thankful this year for the amazing family that I have. We are all very close and have been very supportive of each other. We have never been a family that tells each other how much we love them but we are always there no matter what. I'm thankful to have an amazing husband who has put up with a lot these last few days.